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Friday Satire: An Open Letter From Troy Woodruff To Gov. Mitch Daniels

Dear Gov. Daniels:

Wow.  This is awkward.  How to begin.

I really like you.  I think you're swell.  And we've had good times together.  Remember when that really fat guy got stuck in the RV bathroom when you brought the ol' Beaver down for my fundraiser?  I thought I was going to pee my pants trying to hold back the laughter.  Shucks.

Woodruff And I really appreciate what's been done for my woman.  Melissa's always really liked you, and she's way excited about the new position at INDOT.  I mean, jeez, I'm sure you know what a pain it is to have to interview for a job and compete with other candidates.  Much easier to have someone greasing the skids.

But here's the thing, Guv.  It just doesn't seem to be working out between us, but I'm not going to lie to you about why.  There's someone else.  Several thousands other people, really.  I guess they're called constituents, and man, are they ever hopping mad these days.  They keep saying things like, "Troy, you're not the guy we voted for.  Troy, why don't you grow some cajones and ditch Mitch?  Troy, wipe that goofy grin off your face and start doing the people's work."  Hurtful things.

Unfortunately, Governor, these hurtful things people are saying are starting to really get to me.  I'm sure you understand.  And I wish it didn't have to end this way.  I'd like to say we can still be friends, but I'm not even sure that's possible.  So, this is it. 

I guess all that's left to do now is split up our record collection and call it a day.  I'll miss you, Mitch.  But things will be so much better this way.

Yours, Troy


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